The Resilience of Wild People and Places

Photo for calming feels

Can you feel that buzz in the air?
 Anxxxxietyyyyy....

It’s official, our world has been turned upside down. In Seattle in the COVID-19 outbreak has us in a mild state of lockdown with more restrictions likely on the way. Watching others and myself wade through the heightened anxiety like a pool full of peanut butter is interesting and also kind of confusing. Feelings are complex right now; I find myself oscillating between optimism and fear. It’s heartening to see people be more friendly to each other on the streets then usual but terrifying to see some people disregard the concept of social distancing while others buy half the grocery store. The optimism feels a lot more comfortable to me but it almost seems as if it’s simply a facade designed to stave off the real panic hiding beneath. What should we feel right now? Panic always feels like the wrong reaction to me but optimism in the midst of this unprecedented health crisis doesn’t feel quite right either. What is clear to me is that I am not the only one having a hard time seeing my own feelings let alone exerting any control over them.

I laughed heartily when my coworker suggested that the hoarding of toilet paper going on in grocery stores around town was an illustration of folks true fear: not being able to wipe their own asses. But at the same time a picture developed in my head of one of my neighbors standing in the aisle, full to the brim with unexamined anxiety, grabbing one package of tp after another. I felt empathy for those folks, grappling with fear and not knowing quite what to do with it. We’ve all been there before. Is fear easier to handle when we can direct it at something? I think so, particularly when we get to DO something. Action allows us to avoid sitting with what’s happening in our bodies. It’s an all American pastime to alleviate fear with shopping. We’re encouraged by this capitalist society we live in to do so. Two birds with one stone: avoid facing fear and bolster the economy at the same time. Perfect, right?

I like to think of myself as a fairly even keeled person. It’s a story that brings me a lot of peace I think. I am good under stress, I cope well when things become difficult. Maybe it’s even true compared to the person loading up their cart with 20 packs of Charmin. However this current situation has forced me to confront the holes in this story. As I began typing this post a rash appeared on both my hands, likely a result of the increase of soap they have seen in the past couple weeks. But I’m a pastry chef so constant hand washing is nothing new. Earlier this week I woke up to a cold sore on my lip, a sure sign of stress. And Stews constant updates on the news were beginning to make my eye twitch... It was apparent that I was feeling this situation more acutely then I was allowing myself to see. This story of me as a cool, cool cucumber, that has mostly acted as a bit of structure in the framing of my identity was acting more like a blindfold. In short, I thought I was good and well, I wasn’t. I am scared of what is happening right now and all the uncertainty it brings to our future. And it felt easier to pretend that I wasn’t feeling that way so that I wouldn’t have to confront the reality that I don’t know if things will turn out alright. But avoiding fear doesn’t make it go away. Neither does impulse buying enough groceries to get you through next summer. You can’t kick your feelings out of your body, they live there.

So what is to be done with these unruly housemates in our bodies? Just let them be. Some years ago I was lucky to be introduced to mindfulness meditation by a friend of mine. This style of meditation, which is grounded in Buddhism, asks us to see our feelings without judgment. Recently I heard a meditation instructor say that there are two types of suffering: unavoidable and avoidable. Fear is unavoidable; it’s going to come along sometime, like death and taxes. What is avoidable is the addition suffering we add by trying to push it away or laying stories on it trying to dress it up or down. We can’t choose to not feel fear or anxiety but we can choose to meet it on our own terms, with compassion and grace. Doing this takes practice and patience but we all may be confined to our homes soon enough so we’ve go the time. So what’s the right way to feel while we’re living in crazy town? All ways, with open eyes.


Meditation resource links:
seattleinsight.org
tarabrach.com